The Lake of Woes and Barnabas

For those who think I am always upbeat--you haven't lived with me the last three weeks. I had an unexpected bout with the blues. I must confess, it would literally take nothing to start the waterworks. The worst part about it was, I couldn't turn them off--even when I tried. I called it my Lake of Woes, which I was knew my tears were enlarging rapidly. I was sure it was because of the new medication I was on. What else had changed? Emma, my dear friend and mentor who is a breast cancer survivor wasn't so convinced. She said she had just remarked to her husband, "I wonder when Dorcas is going to crash?" She assured me that crashing is okay. I had lost a lot, and I needed to grieve over my losses. My dear hubby who often knows me better then I know myself, wasn't convinced it was the medicine either. He said he sensed it coming. When I saw my Dr.yesterday, she justified my case a little bit. She said all the steriods I have been on could definitely contribute to feeling blue. She told me to just hang there--this will all pass.

This came at a very inconvenient time. We were to go to a wedding in S.C. where we lived for seven years. We haven't visited in over a year, so we were really looking forward to going and seeing all our dear friends. The wedding was on Saturday, then back to church on Sunday and a fellowship meal afterwards, where we are still members. The people have been so kind and so supportive in such innumerable and important ways since we started this cancer journey. That in itself would have been emotional... Since I was not the bride or the groom's mother, it did not feel appropriate to sit and cry through the service, which I was sure was what was going to happen, just seeing all my dear friends.

Bill called me from work on Thursday and told me that he has been doing a lot of thinking. He wonders if I am really up to going. If I didn't feel up to going, it is really okay. Did I ever say how unselfish my husband is?! I knew how much he was looking forward to the trip. I really did not want to disappoint Maria either. I had been looking forward to it too. But I knew that we shouldn't go. I felt such a sense of freedom to have my family release me from that guilt of letting them down.

The compromise was for us to go see Uncle Olie and Aunt Lydia and the girls in Hagerstown--less then 2 hours away and we were gone for two days, instead of a nine hour trip, being gone for four days. We had a wonderfully relaxing time!!

This p0st is getting too long, but I have to move on. Sunday at Olie's church we heard a wonderful sermon about Barnabas. Actually Barnabas was a nickname he received. His real name was Joseph (see Acts 4:36). Barnabas means S0n of Encouragement. The preacher talked about important a ministry encouragement is in the life of the church.

One of the hard things about my journey with cancer has been that it feels like I am always on the receiving end of things. That is kind of hard on my pride. But God showed me through Emma and through the minister that it is okay to be on the receiving end, so that other people can be blessed by being encouragers.

God showed me how people have been a Barnabas to me, even through this blue time. Let me just give you a few examples just from the last three weeks. My sister-in-law and niece announced that they were coming to clean my house. A dear friend from S.C. sent me an encouraging card and letter in the mail. We enjoyed a wonderful weekend with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. A dear friend dropped by and spend three hours just visiting me and hearing my heart. A sister-in-law called and offered to sew a dress for Maria and me. Several meals were brought in. God is so good. He really is taking care of us.

If He wants to use me crashed--that's okay. He says that when I am weak He is strong. Isn't that precious?! I have to say--things have been going much better this past week. I am truly grateful for that. I have been trying to be authentic with God about my losses and trying to figure why I am blue when I am. But the exciting thing was when I looked at the losses--so far, they were all temporary. I needed to remind myself of that.

Thanks for letting me bear my soul. I promised God I would really try to hear His voice and understand what He is trying to teach me. Part of that is being honest about my walk with Him. It is so wonderful to know that He is there all the time--even it doesn't feel like He is there. I know that because He has promised it!! He hasn't broken any of His promises!!