Marathon Completed

I talked about a marathon in my last post. I realize it is high time to post again. That marathon is completed. My last radiation treatment was on Friday, the 22nd of February! It seems so strange to actually be able to stay home all day long. That fact did not really sink in until yesterday since I had spent a lot of time running the last number of days.

I am extremely relieved to have it over--chemotherapy, surgery, radiation--No more watching the machine drip poison into my body--knowing that it would make me sick, hoping desperately, that in the long run it would make me well. I remember so well the uncertainty of going into surgery--not knowing what he find, and the relief of the results that no lymph nodes were involved. No more watching the radiation machine pass over my chest, slowly burning it into a painful burn that is now healing and feeling better every day. "The benefits outweigh the risks and the pain," I would tell myself almost daily.

I expected to be immensely relieved to have life go back to normal. It suddenly hit me about Monday--full force that normal will need to be redefined from here on out. There is no going back to the innocence of life before cancer. I am forever changed. I struggled with a paradox. I felt a lot of sadness for the things to return like they were before. On the other hand, I treasure life, relationships with people, and most of all my relationship with God in ways I felt incapable of treasuring before. Do I want life to return to normal in that sense? Absolutely not. Again I need to tell myself almost daily, "The benefits outweigh the risks and the pain."

In an e-mail to my supporters, I hinted at the terror that wants to consume me when the ugly head of recurrence wants to taunt me. The emotional toil of scans and additional Dr. visits can almost paralyze me. Rosie, a dear friend, responded like this, "I will pray that you live gratefully rather then fearfully." Thank you, Rosie. Those were the exact words I needed to hear.

Today is a gift. Have you remembered to thank God for it!